I remember planning out this day for Callie.
We’d picked our outfits out and planned to get ice cream after we went to the opening of the new Flower Vault installation. We’d had such a blast at the Holiday one and I couldn’t wait to take her to this new Spring themed one.
But then the day came……and I walked into her room to get her ready. I was met with a bored blank stare and a “Do I have to go?” as she played on her tablet. It wasn’t the first time that had happened this month. Or even this WEEK.
I felt it. Like a quick jab to the heart. I felt the tears prick my eyes. The overwhelming feeling that I’m running on borrowed time with her and these moments together are fleeting as she gets older have been weighing on my heart lately. I want to spend all the time with her that I can and my little mama feelings were hurt. I felt like it was rude especially after I had planned a fun day for us and I also acknowledged the fact that I probably did something very similar to my parents at one time (or many times) when I was younger.
So I stopped talking. And she could see the hurt on my face. She got ready and quietly got into the car. She picked the Pandora station and started to stream Bon Jovi as we sang along in the car. We took a ton of selfies in the car before going in to meet our photographer. Ones where she is hugging me and we are making silly faces. We went inside and had a blast checking out the different flower themed rooms. We tried really creative poses and tried to do some “arty” serious ones. We laughed and cracked up trying to take pictures without completely knocking down the entire wall of flowers.
Afterward, we went for ice cream. We talked about all of our goals and she told me the ones that she had on her heart while we ate giant scoops of ice cream with sprinkles. The big audacious dreams that you dream of when you are ten and realize that nothing is out of your reach. She asked me about my dreams and we talked about ideas for more books for me to write. We talked about the ideas we have for giving back to the community and for helping kids just like Callie. She held my hand as we walked back to the car and that tethered the nagging feeling I had that I was losing her. That night at home, she patted my face when I kissed her goodnight and told me it was “the best day ever.”
She was right, it was the best day ever. Two scoops of ice cream with sprinkles best-day-ever. As a mama though, it was also the hardest day ever too. Punch you in the gut tears in your eyes as you tuck your little girl in for bed hard.
Motherhood, I’m realizing is a little bit of both……..