Sometimes I feel like I’m holding my breath.
Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Afraid of getting too comfortable in our ever day life……
Because I know just around the corner is another trauma waiting to knock us on our rear ends.
That’s been our pattern for the last 12 years. We start to pick up a little steam, really start to get our footing, and we’re run over by a run away train.
I mean, if life is good right now, can I really enjoy it? Or is this just a false sense of security and we are about to have a huge crisis on our hands? Is it possible for me to relax and let down my guard?
My heart is almost held captive to the fear of “What’s next???”
But I can’t keep holding my breath.
Or I’ll suffocate.
I can still remember the mountains and the valleys that got us to this point–and the lessons they taught us.
But I have to be present for today.
Untethered to the past.
So my goal is to be more present.
To be where we are right now so I don’t miss out on my life waiting for the next “thing” to happen.
The present is all we truly have–the rest is either memories or our wild imagination of what could be.
So I’m just going to be here with the perfectly imperfect, beautiful, grace filled moments in our life.
The perfect cup of coffee in the morning (two Splendas and lots of cream). Watching Callie ride horses. Dance parties in the kitchen. Family movie nights. Weekends at the ranch. Listening to the rain hit the window in our bedroom. Driving with the car windows rolled down singing to the radio. Baking brownies with Callie and letting her lick the spoon. Hand written notes tucked in my work bag. Walking to the mail box and waving at all the people walking their dogs. Sunday dinners followed by yummy dessert. Running through the wildflowers with Callie. Eating dripping ice cream cones during the summer while walking downtown. Callie’s belly laugh. His big hand on the small of my back. Texas sunsets from our front porch stairs. Those moments.
Because if I’m always getting ready for the next “thing”…..
How will I ever enjoy this thing?