Not to be conceited but I feel like I’m a fairly kind, caring and conscientious person.  I try to surround myself with positive, drama-free people and return that same vibe out into the universe.

But I found, it’s not always possible to cut every toxic person out of my life.  I had two people that I was on the path to cut ties with but I hadn’t pulled that trigger yet.  We still saw each other occasionally and I needed something to help me deal with them during those interactions—enter the “gray rock method”.

The Gray Rock method is an easy and effective way to protect yourself AND do damage control when you’re dealing with tough personalities, whether it’s a narcissistic sister-in-law, a sociopathic stepmother or an energy vampire roommate.

What is the gray rock method anyway?

I first heard of this method from psychologist Nadene van der Linden’s blog, Unshakeable Calm. Basically, it’s a tool to prevent toxic people from escalating the situation, agitating you and stressing you out—three things they absolutely love doing. By acting as boring, uninteresting and unengaged as possible (think vanilla), the gray rock method subtly discourages the toxic person, and they’ll often wander off to seek out a more exciting target for their manipulative behavior.

It intrigued me because I couldn’t do anything about their behavior.  No matter how many times I’d talked to them, set up boundaries, pulled back contact–it never changed, but with the gray rock method, I would be the one changing my behavior.  And ultimately, changing my response was the only way to somehow land on a positive outcome.  I knew it was not something that I was going to come by naturally, I’m normally an over-sharer, chatty, warm and engaging.  This would take some practice and potentially some acting chops a la Nicole Kidman.

Related: Questions to Ask Yourself Before Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members

How did I do it?

I first had to get myself in the zone (I literally would pep talk myself during the car ride over).  During every interaction with them, I would make a point to speak in a neutral voice, stuck to boring subjects like what TV shows we were watching, and kept my answers short and generic. I didn’t talk about my promotion at work, I didn’t talk about hitting 100k visitors to our website, I didn’t talk about Callie’s upcoming surgery or our new dog.  I didn’t talk about Callie’s commercial, James’s commendation at work, or our experience filming a Disney show.  Nothing that could give them ammunition or sight their target on–I simply channeled the most boring person I’d ever met, and didn’t engage emotionally with anything they brought up.

Pro tip–As I got better with this method, I let them monopolize the conversation.  They loved talking about themselves and when the attention was on them, it wasn’t on me.

Why does it work?

Toxic people crave excitement and drama—if you’re fueling the fire, they’ll begin to rely on you as a way to keep things interesting. When you practice the gray rock method, they’ll have nothing to spin into drama, and in most cases, you’ll be surprised how quickly they lose interest in you. You’ve taken away the things to be jealous of, to belittle, to make fun of, or to mock.  They literally have nothing on you.  I will say though, subtlety is key here (don’t advertise that you are “gray rocking” them)—but once you get the hang of it, I found it to be an extremely effective way to protect my time and energy.

Related: 3 Signs it’s Time to Cut Ties with a Toxic Family Member

How does it sound?

Here’s how a conversation might sound:

Please leave this field empty

want more joy in your inbox?

Subscribe to receive our monthly emails!

We don’t spam! Read our privacy policy for more info.

Check your inbox or spam folder to confirm your subscription.