Exercising boundaries with toxic family members can feel like a Herculean feat.  Trust me, I know.

In fact, there may come a time when your efforts to set boundaries with a toxic family member are met with so much resistance that it can impact your life in other ways–compromising your mental health or pulling your energy away from your job or other relationships.

In those cases, it may be in your absolute best interest to sever ties with the individual(s)–which we all know can be difficult, even if it is the best thing for you (or both of you).  And if you’re like me, you’re looking towards the beginning of the new year and doing a “life” edit–almost like pruning a plant.  A life edit helps you evaluate what things, routines, practices, and people need to be removed from your life in order for you to bloom.

Related: 3 Signs it’s Time to Cut Ties with a Toxic Family Member

So how do you make that decision?  Do you cut ties or figure out a better way to enforce your boundaries?

Here are some questions you might ask yourself before resorting to a strict no contact policy—for when your relationship with a family member has become too painful, frustrating, stressful, or unsafe to continue.

What’s my relationship with them?

Examine the big picture of your relationship with your family member. This person may be nice every once in awhile, and they might genuinely love and care about you. They might even be a really good person in other areas of their life. However, this doesn’t mean that the relationship with them is healthy for you.  If you get a negative or stressed out feeling every time you think about a person, even if they’re sometimes nice to you, it may be because they’ve done too much damage for you to continue in a relationship with them.

Have I had a direct conversation with them about the problem(s)?

When someone has been in your life since the day you (or they) were born, they might assume that they know everything there is to know about who you are. This can be a comfort in some ways; maybe you’ve always been encouraged by your dad’s observations about your love of reading, for example. But it can also make you feel slightly suffocated and resentful being shoehorned into the boxes that other people want to put you in.

Maybe you have an aunt who seems to always use your childhood nickname that embarrasses you. Or a parent who brings up your poor choices with money every holiday gathering. Perhaps your sister-in-law thinks that she can make passive aggressive posts about you on her social media whenever she feels like it. Whatever the situation, once you’ve identified a pattern of behaviors that you’d like to put a stop to, it’s your responsibility to bring it up to them. By letting them know the effect their behavior is having on you, you are outlining your boundaries and giving them an opportunity to change.

Just remember that the only thing that you can control is your end of the conversation. Not everyone will be willing to hear your perspectives much less change their behavior.  Some people might make light of your concerns, want to brush them under the rug or try to make you believe that the problem is you, not the situation they’re creating.

If you’ve repeatedly expressed your concerns and the other person won’t address them, that’s a sign that you may want to pursue new strategies, such as shifting your own expectations for the relationship, setting firmer boundaries, or cutting ties with them completely.

Have I adjusted my expectations?

We often assume that because family members have this role in our life, they should be able to provide love, empathy, support, care and attention to us in a ways that we need. In reality, many people don’t nurture others or themselves well. That honestly has little to do with us, and almost always, everything to do with them.

Maybe they never learned how to be loving in a healthy way from their own family of origin, maybe they struggle with jealousy and immaturity, or maybe they could even struggle with a mental health issue like narcissism.

If you’ve admitted to yourself that your family member can’t give you what you’ve asked for—consistency, respect, kindness, that they stop speaking poorly about your husband, that they celebrate your wins instead of playing the comparison game, that they no longer post immature rants on social media—and the disappointment continues to feel profoundly painful, it may be another sign that some distance is in order.

Related: 9 Green Flags You are Breaking Toxic Family Generational Curses

Do I constantly try to rationalize their behavior?

It doesn’t matter why they did what they did, or whether they’re sorry. If it’s a pattern of an ongoing unhealthy relationship and you feel you’d be better off without that person in your life, you have to make the choice that’s right for you.  For example, if someone is frequently unkind to you, don’t rationalize their behavior by saying something like, “He must have had a bad day,” or “She’s been under a lot of stress lately.”

People don’t have years on end of “bad days”.  If every time you are together they are rude, disrespectful, immature, and treat you badly…..that makes them a jerk. Full stop.

Similarly, don’t blame abuse on yourself by saying things like, “If I hadn’t texted him, he wouldn’t have yelled at me.”  You aren’t responsible for their behavior.

On the other hand, if someone who is generally very kind to you snaps or says something short-tempered once in a blue moon, they probably are having a bad day.  In those cases, it’s totally fine to take their circumstances into consideration.  I can’t tell you how much grace was extended to me after Callie was born and our world was turned upside down.  I knew I was a shell of my former self and had a very limited capacity to engage with others in a meaningful way, so we were so thankful to family members (and friends) who gave us an overwhelming amount of grace during that time period–forgiving our short tempers, forgetfulness, lack of engagement, and presence at social events.  They understood what we were going through and knew it was out of character for us.

Who else will be affected?

Consider other family who might be affected. I think part of the reason that family relationships are so dang complicated is because of the sheer number of people involved. When you’re deciding whether to cut a person out of your life, you have to take the rest of the extended family into account, since it could affect your relationships with them as well.

If you’re cutting ties with one parent, it might affect your relationship with the other parent. If you have trouble with a sibling, you might lose contact with your niece or nephew. Also, you might be uninvited or excluded from family holidays or other events where the other family member may be present.

However, there will likely be some family members who choose to support you, so don’t let this be your only deciding factor.

Pro Tip: Never expect other family members to cut off their relationship with a person just because you do.  They should respect your boundaries but don’t expect them to adjust their own.  They might be fine with the poor behavior, they might not see a problem with the relationship, or the “juice” might be worth the squeeze in their minds.  You made the decision for your best life–they are making the one for theirs.

Is this relationship drama filled?

Get distance from family members who feed off of drama. If there’s someone in your family who’s always at the center of some drama or who loves stirring the pot, it can be hard to have a healthy relationship with them. You don’t necessarily have to completely cut off your drama-loving fam, but you’re probably better off if you keep them at arm’s length.

Related: 5 Benefits of Cutting Off Toxic Family

Does this relationship make you unhappy or stressed out?

Rather than cut ties completely, can I just create some distance?

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