You dreamed of being a dancer, but ended up pursuing a career as a travel agent. Then your younger sister gets cast as Clara in The Nutcracker.  In the New York City Ballet. Instead of spending hours showing her videos of your old ballet performances and faking a migraine on the night of her big debut, you instead become her biggest cheerleader.  You show up with roses on opening night and are the first person to jump up for the standing ovation as she takes her final bow.  While it might seem ridiculous that a grown adult would be jealous of a sibling, it’s a dynamic that people in toxic families know all too well.

2. You Don’t Overreact

OK, you were justifiably mad when your older brother spilled paint all over your new sandals when you were sixteen (I get it, you saved up all summer for those things).  But a huge green flag is that you have mastered the skill of emotional regulation.  You no longer fly off the handle for completely reasonable things your family does as an adults (like getting stuck in traffic and arriving 15 minutes late to your barbecue).  In fact, those things don’t even phase you now.

3. You Stopped Comparing Yourself to Others

You and your cousin are two completely different people. But because she’s a super successful director at a large marketing company with three beautiful kids and you’re a single receptionist at a doctor’s office, your brother loves to try to pit the two of you against each other. You take the high road though–and ignore his constant juvenile teasing.  You not only understand you each are following different paths but you celebrate each other’s unique talents and strengths.

Related: Questions to Ask Yourself Before Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members

4. You No Longer Play the Victim

Sometimes, parents can’t help but guilt trip their kids. (“What do you mean, you aren’t coming home for Thanksgiving?”) But there’s a difference between expressing disappointment and creating a toxic environment by blaming everyone else for your feelings. If your kids can’t come for the holidays because they are spending it with their in-laws, instead of refusing to talk to them for a week, you now celebrate the fact that they have a good relationship with their second family.  You totally showcase a green flag by accommodating their plans, holding space for their other relationships, and plan to celebrate at a time that works for both of you.

5. You are Respectful of Boundaries

You have always been impulsive. You might have previously had a (bad) habit of showing up at your family’s house, unannounced, expecting to be able to crash on the couch for a couple of days and endless raid their fridge. Now, you are conscious of the boundaries your family has and don’t drop in without calling.  And bonus points–you are gracious when your family tells you it isn’t a good time to stop by.

6. You are Comfortable Not Always Being Right

Your family has hated every person you’ve ever dated, and it’s starting to feel like no one you bring home is going to be good enough. They have similar opinions about your career goals, friends and pretty much everything else about how you do life. According to them, their way is always the right way.  Hello, toxicity.  If you’ve articulated that you’re happy with your life and subsequently are ok with people not agreeing with your life choices–bravo. You don’t spend too much time worrying about the opinions of others and instead focus on your goals, your relationship, and your life.  Gold star–you are actively taking steps to break those harmful toxic family patterns.

Related: 5 Signs You Are a Boundary Setting Queen

7. You Stop Giving Ultimatums

A family’s love is supposed to be unconditional, right? But if your family is constantly setting conditions that feel suspiciously like threats, you could be in toxic territory. Good news is, if you’ve removed the words like, “if you don’t *fill-in-the-blank,* you’re not my brother anymore,” you are in healthy green flag territory. Removing ultimatums and conditions for your love is a major step in breaking those generational toxic behaviors.

8. You’ve Stopped Making the Conversations All About You

You just got off a 45-minute phone call with your sister only to realize that she didn’t ask you a single dang thing about your life or how you’re doing. If she was dealing with a personal crisis or had some exciting news, then that’s one thing. But if this happens pretty much every single time you talk, then that’s a huge red flag.  A huge green flag, on the other hand is if you can carry on a conversation with someone and not place yourself in the spotlight.  A conversation that flows easily between partners, each sharing things and participating equally is healthy.

9. You Become an Energy Giver Not Energy Vampire

Do you feel totally exhausted every time you interact with a particular family member? We’re not talking about feeling like you need to be by yourself for a little while, something that can happen even with people we love being around (I’m a semi-introvert so even I can find interactions draining at times even if I love the person). Interacting with a toxic person can leave you feeling defeated since their dramatic, needy and high-maintenance tendencies can suck the energy right out of you (hello, energy vampire).  An energy giver on the other hand is someone who fills you up, encourages you, motivates you and makes you genuinely excited to be around them.  A green flag for breaking toxic family patterns is that you have become an energy giver to your inner circle.  You are the consummate hype girl, cheerleader, and support system!