5 Ways We Knew We Were Done Having Kids–Our “One and Done” Family

We are a one and done family–meaning, we are raising an only child.

Along with the decision to have a child, I think the decision to stop having kids is one of the biggest a couple can make. And like all important choices, it’s not always clear cut.

We always envisioned having 3-4 children, both my husband and I come from bigger families. But we simply had no preparation for the roller coaster that parenting a child with a disability would be and that definitely impacted our decision to expand our family. Other examples of things that could impact your decision might be you didn’t know how much you would miss your kids when you went back to work, so you decide to stay at home. So you actually do want more children, but financially it won’t work for your family because now you are down to a single family income.

Other examples? Having really difficult pregnancies, having a traumatic birth, not having a strong support system, or the emotional overload of having children—suddenly the thought of adding another child to your family mix feels completely overwhelming.

My husband and I were very conscious when we made the decision to be “one and done” and feel like we made the best decision not only for us but for our daughter too.

So, how do you know when you’re done having kids? (There are so many factors to think about–both from a practical standpoint as well as an emotional one.)

Here are some things my husband and I considered as we decided whether we were done having children and how we became a ‘one and done’ family.

How to Know When You’re Done Having Kids

Family Finances

One of the biggest factors to take into consideration, is the financial aspect of having another child. This was one of our major concerns as the cost of Callie’s continual medical care is a huge part of our budget.

Potential Pregnancy Complications

Pregnancy is a miraculous journey, but it can also be extremely challenging for many women. High risk pregnancies, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, preterm delivery, bed rest… the list of complications are endless. (Not to even mention the complete lack of adequate maternity and paternity leave.)

I have Type One Diabetes and had a fairly normal pregnancy but that’s not guaranteed for the second time. Even with a ‘normalish’ pregnancy, I still suffered from sciatic nerve pain, extreme heartburn, exhaustion, swelling in my feet/hands and severe post partum depression.

In a perfect world parents would be able to plan ahead for pregnancy, prioritize their own health, and work with their doctor about ways to minimize risks. Additionally in this picture perfect world, postpartum would be a time to emphasize nutrition, rest, as well as receiving mental health and feeding support. I know my experience postpartum was not this idealistic and I knew that was something I would not be able to go through again (physically or mentally).

Age Considerations

Age was another factor when we were discussing expanding our family. There’s a 10 year age gap between myself and my husband but part of me was worried–my husband and I weren’t getting any younger, so if we waited much longer, would that complicate things even more? I knew that women older than 35 have an increased risk of premature birth, genetic abnormalities, and could experience greater fertility challenges. I felt like I could hear the clock going tick, tick, tick on my fertility.

At the end of the day, we just couldn’t see ourselves being older in life and still trying to juggle diapers, toilet training, elementary school plays, and our careers. Both of us thought it was very important to give Callie active, healthy younger parents who could be present for her instead of trying to give her a sibling. By making the conscious choice to be one and done–we hope that we are giving Callie two thoughtful, energetic, present and vibrant parents.

Our Relationship

Callie’s birth was traumatic, her diagnosis was traumatic, and frankly, the first few years of her little life put our relationship through the ringer. I wouldn’t blame either one of us if we didn’t want to go through that again while taking care of two children. We have the time to pour into our health, hobbies, and our cultivating our relationship. I feel like I can be a better partner to my husband because I’m not physically (and emotionally) wrecked at the end of the day. I’d worry he would get the leftovers after showing up for my career and our kids at the end of the day and that’s not the type of relationship I want to have. Having one child works for us–it allows us to be the best parents and it allows us to be the best spouses to each other.

Emotional Considerations

While many people see a sibling as a ‘gift’ to a child, I don’t think that there is a guarantee children will get along. For myself, I’ve had a great experience with a sibling (she’s my forever best friend) but I’ve also had toxic sibling relationships so the idea of having another child just to give my daughter a sibling didn’t resonate with me. Introducing a new family member can be a ‘roll of the dice’ with family dynamics.

It also worried my husband and I that having more children would divide our attention. I see mamas of two or more being torn in different directions, especially as kids get older. They are running from practice to school play to recital and even at parent night at school, the mamas had to choose which child’s teacher’s presentations to sit through. I don’t ever want to have to choose. I want to be at all of her events, all of her conferences, and all of her milestones.

Another emotional consideration for us–we feel like we can be more intentional parents. For us, it is one of our core values to raise our child in a calm and nurturing environment. And I am self aware enough (as is my husband) to understand that I get frazzled, overwhelmed and stressed out in chaos–which is exactly how life would be as an overstretched parent. I want to be able to manage myself and my emotions, and make sure that I show up as the best version of myself for my daughter.