I’ve had so many comments and reshares of the small series I did on all things toxic family so I thought it might be helpful to continue to pull that thread a little.  It seems as if that topic is pretty popular now–maybe it’s something that universally everyone struggles with to some degree?

Maybe.

But maybe you are wondering if a family member is actually toxic? Read on to discover 10 warning signs of toxic family dynamics and how to protect your peace and mental health.

What Is a Toxic Family Member?

We often expect family to be our safe space — but what happens when they’re the source of stress, confusion, or emotional pain?

Toxic family members are those whose behavior consistently drains you, manipulates you, or violates your boundaries. These relationships can be emotionally harmful and deeply confusing — especially when you’re taught to “put family first.”

In this post, we’ll break down 10 clear signs you’re dealing with a toxic family member — plus tips on how to respond in a healthy, mature, and empowered way.

1. They Constantly Criticize You

Even when you do something well, they find fault. They minimize your achievements (or don’t acknowledge them at all), mock your choices, or use “jokes” that cut too deep.  One of the biggest signs of toxic family relationships is when they can’t stop criticizing every move you make.

This looks like:

• “You look tired — are you eating enough?”

• “That’s what you’re wearing?”

• “Good job, but don’t get cocky.”

• “I would never let my kids do XYZ.”

Toxic family members use criticism to control or belittle you.

2. They Gaslight You

Gaslighting is when someone makes you doubt your own reality. They twist facts, deny your experiences, or make you feel like you’re the problem.  This type of emotional manipulation in families is something that’s a key indicator of toxicity.

They might say:

• “That never happened.”

• “You’re too sensitive.”

• “You always overreact.”

• “I don’t know why you are so upset about that.”

This can erode your confidence and sense of self.

3. They Disrespect Boundaries

Whether it’s emotional, physical, or digital boundaries — toxic family members ignore boundaries or bulldoze them.

Examples:

• Showing up uninvited

• Reading your messages

• Pressuring you to talk about things you’re not ready to share

• Continually doing things you’ve asked them not to do

Healthy families honor boundaries. Toxic ones try to erase them.

4. You Feel Emotionally Drained After Interacting With Them

Pay attention to how you feel after talking to them. If you regularly feel anxious, tense, guilty, or exhausted — that’s a red flag.  I remember that I always used to feel like I had run a mental marathon after interacting with a particular family member.  I would be completely exhausted after the mental gymnastics the interactions would require of me to avoid topics that would piss her off, police my words so they didn’t offend her, and avoid sharing anything relatively positive about our life for fear of retaliation.

It was so draining.

Your nervous system doesn’t lie.

5. They Play the Victim (Always)

Toxic relatives often flip the script. They avoid accountability and make you feel guilty for holding them responsible.  They are always the ones that have been wronged, they are always the ones with a grievance, and they ultimately are stuck in this victim mentality.  They also very rarely can admit they are wrong or accept responsibility for their actions–because it’s your fault remember?

I had someone share a situation with me a few months ago.  We can call her Sarah (not her real name).  Sarah sent me a note asking for my perspective on her mom.  She said that when she tried to maturely bring up events in her childhood where she felt that her mom might have mishandled the situation or brought some angst/trauma/hurt feelings to Sarah, her mom responded with:

“I put a roof over your head and food on your plate.  You had clothes and you weren’t starving to death but I guess because I hurt your feelings, I’m a horrible parent.”

Um, no.  Not only no, but heck no.

Doing the absolute basic minimum requirements of parenting?  A safe home, food, clothing and shelter are the price of admission for parenting–you don’t get a gold star for those.  That’s what you SIGN UP FOR when you become a parent.  A child should never feel in debt to their parents for providing basic provisions.

And her emotional guilt trip and inability to take responsibility for her actions?

Toxic.

When you think about manipulative family member traits–guilting and shaming are usually at the top of the list.

They say things like:

• “After all I’ve done for you…”

• “I guess I’m just a terrible parent/sibling…”

• “You never think about my feelings.”

• “You did XYZ to me…”

This emotional guilt trap keeps you stuck.

6. They Gossip or Create Drama

They stir the pot, pit people against each other, and spread rumors — often while pretending to be the peacekeeper.

Trust is impossible when someone weaponizes information.

7. They Use Anger or Silent Treatment as Control

They lash out when you say no, ignore you as punishment, or explode when things don’t go their way.

Think of emotionally abusive family behaviors like yelling, screaming, or shouting–for no apparent reason.  Relatives that fly off the handle for the littlest things?

Toxic.

The “silent treatment” is  a form of withholding communication, often used as a tool for manipulation or control, where one person refuses to talk to the other due to anger or a desire to punish.  It can range from simply refusing to engage in conversation to more passive-aggressive tactics like stonewalling or ignoring messages.

Real adults can have conversations.  Remember that.  Real adults don’t participate in emotionally abusive family behavior.

This kind of emotional whiplash is abuse — not love.

8. They Shame or Embarrass You in Public

They call you out at family gatherings, mock your lifestyle, or share private things to humiliate you.

Healthy families uplift. Toxic ones tear down for power.

9. You Feel “Obligated,” Not Loved

You’re made to feel like you owe them — for your existence, your time, your money, your silence.  They use this form of guilt to manipulate you into doing things that you probably don’t want to do–spending time with them, showing up to events when you are tired, or calling them weekly when you know it’s just going to be a complain fest.

Real love doesn’t require guilt as payment.

10. You Walk on Eggshells Around Them

You carefully monitor your words and actions to avoid setting them off. You feel anxious even before a conversation begins.  You avoid certain topics to keep the peace and find yourself slipping into “Gray rock mode” to avoid giving them any details about your life they can use for ammunition in the future.

This is emotional survival mode — not a healthy relationship.

What to Do If You’re Dealing With a Toxic Family Member

1. Set boundaries — and stick to them, even if it makes others uncomfortable.
2. Limit contact — or go no-contact if needed for your mental health.
3. Seek therapy or support groups to process the trauma.
4. Remember: Protecting your peace doesn’t make you a bad person — it makes you a healed one.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Safe, Supportive Relationships

It’s okay to grieve the family you wanted and protect yourself from the one you have.
You deserve respect, love, and safety — even if that means redefining “family” for yourself.

Healing starts with awareness. And awareness starts here.

Related Posts for More Support:

• Questions to Ask Yourself Before Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members

• 3 Signs it’s Time to Cut Ties with a Toxic Family Member

• 9 Green Flags You are Breaking Toxic Family Generational Curses

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