How to Move On from a Toxic Family Relationship

In a healthy relationship, everything just kind of works. Sure, you may argue with your mom from time to time or get annoyed with your cousin when he conveniently finds a way to to ruffle your feathers. Still, you generally openly discuss any problems that arise and genuinely enjoy each other’s company.

Toxic family relationships, on the other hand, are a completely different story. In an unhealthy relationship, you may consistently feel drained or unhappy after spending time with the other person. This may suggest that some things need to change including cutting ties with them.

Once you make the decision to cut back to their access to you (hello, boundaries!!) or even cut off the relationship entirely, you should focus on a few things.

Here are four core behaviors to help you move on from a toxic relationship:

1. Detach.

Give yourself some space—but that doesn’t always mean you have to write off or avoid your family. “Detaching” is an emotional concept and has nothing to do with physical proximity. The best way I can explain it is not taking things personally, and most importantly, not feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings, wants, and needs. You’re an adult, you’re not obligated to hang out with your family every free second you have…or even at all if it’s not a healthy situation. Set the boundary that works for you—say, lunch with your brother once a month—and remind yourself that it’s OK to keep as much emotional distance as you need to.

2. Avoid Triggers

If you’re inundated with criticism from your siblings about how you raise your family, then stop talking about it around them. If they bring it up, cut down the conversation as soon as possible and change the subject. Here’s how the conversation could go:

Sister: I will never understand why you feed your child XYZ. Or why you won’t let her come over here for a sleep over. You really are being a total helicopter parent.
You: You’ve already told me your opinions about how I parent, and I’d appreciate if we talked about something else. Did you finally finish that book you were reading?
Sister: No, I haven’t finished it yet, but I’m going totally veg out this weekend and get it done.

3. Try the Grey Rock Method

This method is a game changer. In a nutshell, it’s a tool to prevent toxic people from escalating a situation. Act as boring, uninterested and disengaged as possible and toxic people will find it less exciting to try to manipulate you and move on to their next target. It might take you some practice but you don’t have to be a professional actor to master it. I 100% used this before I cut ties with the two toxic members of my family. During every interaction with them, I would speak in a neutral voice, only talked about boring subjects, and gave short, generic answers. I made it a point to steer clear of anything beautiful, fun, exciting, or wonderful in our life because that was like waving a red flag in front of them. And if they tried to get a rise out of me, I just didn’t engage emotionally.

4. Keep a Go-To Phrase on Stand-By

We get it—dealing with a toxic family member is tough and you never know what’s going to set them off. That’s why it’s useful to have a phrase or two handy that you can repeat whenever they give you unsolicited advice, try to pick a fight, or ask you to do something that’s outside your boundaries. I love the phrase, “You may be right.” Or another fav is “I have to think about it.”

Here’s how it works:

Uncle: I don’t know why you spend all that money on makeup. You should invest in [blank] instead.
You: You may be right. So, what should we make for dinner tonight?

Or:

Sister-in-law: I need you to buy this gift for your niece for Christmas.
You: I have to think about it. I have a lot of things going on in the next couple of weeks and need to see if that’s doable for me.

Many people assume toxic relationships are doomed, but that isn’t always the case.

The deciding factor? Both parties must want to change, If only one person is invested in creating healthy family patterns, there is — unfortunately — little likelihood that change will occur. Ultimately, you have to decide what’s best for you and what energy you want in your life.